This sounds like a final post, but it actually isn't at all. It came to my attention today that it has been exactly 4 months since I last posted here. As my dad pointed out, it was on the last 28th day of a month beginning with the letter A. To try to get myself back in the habit of writing here so that I can attempt to catch this up to everything I've done, I will write a quick post about the hardest part of this year, on this current 28th day of a month beginning with the letter A...
In getting ready to study abroad, no one ever warns you of how emotionally draining it is to say goodbye. I expected to be physically tired from all the traveling and packing and mentally tired from all the language- and culture-learning, but somehow I never thought about how exhausting it would be not to set up a new life, but to leave it. Yes, I am tired of packing and unpacking, of planes and trains and airports and buses, of always having to plan where I will be next, of facing whatever stereotypes of Americans the world has, basically of everything I expected to challenge me this year. But what has tired me the most, what almost stopped me from going to Berlin this summer, what had me more ready to come home than I have probably ever been in my life is the exhaustion of saying goodbye.
Saying goodbye to people at home was actually easy compared to the goodbyes I said before leaving my homes abroad. When I said goodbye to my family and friends, I said it knowing that I would be coming back to see them again in the very foreseeable future. Yes, pulling myself out of my life to go set up a new one somewhere completely different was tiring, but it was such an adventure! The adrenaline made it easy. However, when the time came to pack up my life back into suitcases and go back home, I found it much harder to say those goodbyes because, to be perfectly honest, I will probably not see or even talk to a lot of the people who were a part of my life abroad.
Costa Rica was hard, but it was just the first round so I didn't think too much of it while I was in Morocco. But as the time came to say that second round of goodbyes to another place, another family, another set of friends and teachers and amazing program directors, I wasn't sure I could do it again. It was around this time that I had to decide if I would go to Berlin for a 4 week program over the summer and I almost couldn't make myself do it because of the daunting task of making new friends only to have to say goodbye to them 4 weeks later. What finally pushed me to do it was knowing that I could never regret doing it, no matter how much it hurt, but that I would probably regret not doing it. I hate having regrets, and I don't have any. When I got home from Morocco, I just remember feeling tired. I was so tired of goodbyes. Two rounds of setting up a new life away from home and then ripping myself out of it again was harder than I expected it to be. But of course it was worth it and I wouldn't change a thing. And I am so happy I went to Berlin! There will be more on that later, I hope :)
Basically, the moral of the story is go anyway. Just do it. No matter how hard it was to say goodbye, it was so worth it. I will admit that in the 2 weeks I had to travel after my program in Berlin ended I decided that I just didn't want to meet any new people because if I didn't say hello, I wouldn't have to say goodbye. Cynical, maybe, but I just couldn't face adding more goodbyes to my list since I still had some old friends to see. I just want people to realize that those goodbyes will hit you harder than any culture shock ever could. Maybe they don't tell you about them when you are getting ready to study abroad because it wouldn't matter. You can't prepare yourself for them. All you can do is hope that you will see these people and places again one day and appreciate with all your might the life you had because no matter what, it will never be that way again.
After all that time getting ready for this year it feels completely surreal for it to be over. But then again, after over a year away from my university it will be a whole new adventure that I am getting very excited to go back to...
In getting ready to study abroad, no one ever warns you of how emotionally draining it is to say goodbye. I expected to be physically tired from all the traveling and packing and mentally tired from all the language- and culture-learning, but somehow I never thought about how exhausting it would be not to set up a new life, but to leave it. Yes, I am tired of packing and unpacking, of planes and trains and airports and buses, of always having to plan where I will be next, of facing whatever stereotypes of Americans the world has, basically of everything I expected to challenge me this year. But what has tired me the most, what almost stopped me from going to Berlin this summer, what had me more ready to come home than I have probably ever been in my life is the exhaustion of saying goodbye.
Saying goodbye to people at home was actually easy compared to the goodbyes I said before leaving my homes abroad. When I said goodbye to my family and friends, I said it knowing that I would be coming back to see them again in the very foreseeable future. Yes, pulling myself out of my life to go set up a new one somewhere completely different was tiring, but it was such an adventure! The adrenaline made it easy. However, when the time came to pack up my life back into suitcases and go back home, I found it much harder to say those goodbyes because, to be perfectly honest, I will probably not see or even talk to a lot of the people who were a part of my life abroad.
Costa Rica was hard, but it was just the first round so I didn't think too much of it while I was in Morocco. But as the time came to say that second round of goodbyes to another place, another family, another set of friends and teachers and amazing program directors, I wasn't sure I could do it again. It was around this time that I had to decide if I would go to Berlin for a 4 week program over the summer and I almost couldn't make myself do it because of the daunting task of making new friends only to have to say goodbye to them 4 weeks later. What finally pushed me to do it was knowing that I could never regret doing it, no matter how much it hurt, but that I would probably regret not doing it. I hate having regrets, and I don't have any. When I got home from Morocco, I just remember feeling tired. I was so tired of goodbyes. Two rounds of setting up a new life away from home and then ripping myself out of it again was harder than I expected it to be. But of course it was worth it and I wouldn't change a thing. And I am so happy I went to Berlin! There will be more on that later, I hope :)
Basically, the moral of the story is go anyway. Just do it. No matter how hard it was to say goodbye, it was so worth it. I will admit that in the 2 weeks I had to travel after my program in Berlin ended I decided that I just didn't want to meet any new people because if I didn't say hello, I wouldn't have to say goodbye. Cynical, maybe, but I just couldn't face adding more goodbyes to my list since I still had some old friends to see. I just want people to realize that those goodbyes will hit you harder than any culture shock ever could. Maybe they don't tell you about them when you are getting ready to study abroad because it wouldn't matter. You can't prepare yourself for them. All you can do is hope that you will see these people and places again one day and appreciate with all your might the life you had because no matter what, it will never be that way again.
After all that time getting ready for this year it feels completely surreal for it to be over. But then again, after over a year away from my university it will be a whole new adventure that I am getting very excited to go back to...
Thank goodness for Facebook; at least you don't have to completely lose touch with everybody.
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